I saw the movie, The Fast & the Furious for the first and only time (of any of the series), while I was living in Japan, where it was titled something along the lines of "Wild Speed"... English movies, no matter how bad, no matter how unwatchable, seemed to me a welcome respite to watching Razor Ramon battle karaoke for a new car, or worse yet, Bobby Ologon acting like Japan's personal coon.

I'm sorry, but I could give a rat fuck about cars. I'm sure that I would love to drive a fast car, and I can appreciate that some cars are nice, and some cars, mostly the ones I've driven, are rotten--- but some cars, notobably the ones that whine, instead of purr, and maybe have those ill-intentioned Japanese decalls on them--- invariably driven by the types of boys who wear axe body spray are to use some internet parlance, strictly for faggots.

Another thing I'm not particularly fond of caring about is generally what people say when giving arm chair reviews on the internet--- still, this gem concerning the aforementioned Wild Speed, seems to sum up my own brand of multi-adjectived vitriol perfectly,

Easily the emptiest, brashest, crassest, most macho, homoerotic dumbass of a grating carnography earache for FHM readers that doesn't include Jerry Bruckheimer's name on the credits.

Wow! So you know that when we get to part three, all of the plausible and possible vying for legitimacy that rarely yet possibly gets stuffed last minute into a film largely about watching cars & lame ethnic fetish women on occasion, has got to be completely bleached, excorcised out of the celuloid. The wonderbread of movie plots.

It's not worth saying that the movie is or isn't bad. We all know that a shitty movie about a shitty subculture practioned by pimply people who normally annoy everyone, including the Japanese if you're wondering, just simply has to be great... There just is no other plausible explanation.

That said, it's worth knowing that the plot is probably great evidence that there is a machine somewhere that can piece together a simple narrative just by guidance of a few time honored traditions of cheesy throw aways... In brief: Bad boy racer is in trouble nebulously so with the law, leaves America & stays, under questionably legal standards, with his Uncle, a military man in Japan in order to avoid The Man. Despite all common odds and precedence, easily integrates into Japanese "Underground" car scene. Racing or 'drifting' ensues, in whatever way this pits our protagonist vs the preternatural 'bad guys' in this genre. BUT OH SHIT! Our bad guy is a really bad guy... A Yakuza member, the Japanese crime syndicate whom everyone outside of Japan simply adores and whom anyone & everyone onsen bath included, yours truly inclusive, anyone--- who has had to deal with at the very least it's dumb aspiring yankii pay-offs, quite simply loathe within Japan.

Okay--- so that's not good. Tack on the remainder of the plot: a dangerous love affair with thee Yakuza related guy's would be girlfriend who drops the zero and get's with the hero, a Rocky style rematch, down at the start, triumphant at the end, and the movie writes itself. I seriously hope you are not one of those people who feel the need to register their complaint on the internet about just how wrong this movie got it, or how bad it is... We all know it's wrong and bad, the entertaining part will be in watching just how well they manage that.

Now, let's do some crimes!