Tila Nguyen, nee Tila Tequila (seriously, who creates a mythology about themselves that stupid?), is a badass. Bad with a capital b, and ass with a capital ass. Her notable achievements include A) Being naked, B) Being Stoned, and as of late, C) Amassing the largest amount of meaningless contacts on a social networking system well known for making it incredibly easy to ammass a large amount of meaningless contacts.

Let it be known that I have, only thirty-three friends on myspace, oddly enough a number in age that dictates that a professional woman will have absolutely no interest in me. Furthermore, I don't want anyone to think that I am anything but thee worst reason to visit said inter-"space". Fuck, Eskimo Dolly has got to be a better reason to log into that place, a website which, ninety percent of the time essentially runs like a polish submarine; screen doors and whatnot you know? Even this human tragedy is miles more worth your time.

That said let's put our cards on the table once again. The internet, she is serious business, okay? Coincidentally, it's also now just 'the internet'. No longer cyberspace, the web, the net, not even 'the internet super-highway' a worse fucking metaphor than calling the internet, a series of fucking tubes.

It's so serious that a number of publications have taken time out of their busy, non-essential news reporting schedule to dedicate a page or two to the explosion of the self-aggrandizing histrionic masses who are now firmly in control of the content vomited on the interwebs. Okay. No points for being late to the party on this information, but that's YOU buddy. You as in YouTube, or You as in MY space, get it Milton? It's YOUR space, dude!

Generally speaking this has always worked out well when the soulless person in desperate need of validation's SPACE was both easy on the eyes, and preferably full of naked pictures, Tits or GTFO, KTHXBYE. Many may argue about the former where Tila Nguyen is concerned, but the latter nugget of truth, something that seems to have been exorcised from her biographies, is not even debatable.

The NOODZ in question are out there, google them if you like when your mom is out shopping for those pizza bagel bites that you really love. Go on, nobody is looking... I'll wait here while you check it out. I've got some time, I'll check my email. Okay, back? Don't touch ANYTHING but, listen... It takes either colossal ignorance, excellent spin, or simple brass balls to claim that a person for whom nudity consumed 90% of her career, (a career following a previous 100% of "bad drugs", lesbian trysts & generally the type of fucked-up upbringing that leads girls to yank it off in the first place) rocketed to fame as the result of her savvy use of the MySpace medium engine to hook her naked wagon to a star. A star I might add, that didn't have to pose reclined on a CRX while being photographed by spotty faced types of people abhorred world-wide for their inarticulate, stunning attention paid to crass, gaudy cars & the women upon them. Best yet for Nguyen, this star could now rock out, rather than lay out in some sort of naked self-imposed Asianploitation related ethnic <strike>whoring</strike> 'vignette' for the lowest bidder.

Is that Tila Nguyen (a Viet Namese girl) posing with some sort of fucking samurai sword on the cover of Stuff? Fuck, someone call Wendy Wu, Homecoming Warrior, Long Duc Dong, & that guy who played "Data" & "Shortround"... you folk are once again in good company. It almost makes Miasumi Max, a woman so profoundly eager & ignorant as to misspell her own fucking name in Japanese hiragana (how is that possible???) on a tattoo she thought it slick to get. Almost, just fucking almost.

Regardless, the death knell on this internet whore, is not exactly her own need, like so many others who try to appeal to the faceless masturbatory dreams of those who lust after the very women who seek to exploit their own race, it's simply the fact that as a person, Tila Nguyen is utterly and completely, without question or pause for thought, useless, for anything other than the stain of jizum that coats the pages she occupies. Her musical talent, something I think she erroneously takes seriously, makes Tiny Tim look like Glenn fucking "I'm a God damn Genius" Gould for chrissakes, And after that, well, it's so much nothing....

So why bother with the article in the first place, if you say nothing it disappears... Yet still, the likes of major media seem to think that she's a brilliant byproduct of the Internet 2.0, where Snapesnooger, the Penguin of Doom, and Dax Flame call their home. All I'm telling you is that, as, borrowing the words of Flannery O'Conner.... The only thing that matters, is that Jesus, no, Tila Nguyen, was a liar. Face it, you opportunist... You madame, are a sham.

End of fucking Story.

Labels: asianploitation, fail, interwebs